How Noodlechan Became A Daddy
by LxZrulez
Summary: Fon's not-so-amusing transition into fatherhood began in a broken down lot full of psychopaths and gunmen. What was even worse was the fact that he was in the wrong time. Who knew the Ten-year-bazooka could screw with a martial artist so much? Oh well. At least the outcome was positive…"I hate you, Fon." …ish.


**/o\/0\/o\**

_**BOOM!**_

Fon blinked and found himself in a shady looking lot surrounded by shabby, broken-down buildings. Several dangerous looking men glared at him from across the parking lot, cocked guns pointing at him. All of them were dressed in black suits that probably used to immaculate, but were now slashed and bloody.

"Ushishishi."

Half of the guns rose to target the source of noise behind him, the men seeming just as surprised as Fon was. The Arcobaleno turned his head slightly to see a ten-years-into-the-future Prince Belphegor grinning wickedly from his perch on one of the rickety-buildings, thirty-six molars gleaming impressively.

"Shishi," the blonde giggled, tossing some of his silver knives nonchalantly into the air. "Looks like Noodle-chan got replaced by his baby form, shishi. How boring~! And he was putting up such a nice show too, shishi!"

There was a sudden clank as ten-years-into-the-future Lussuria landed dramatically onto the asphalt, posing with his hand behind his head. "Oh myyyy~, Fon-chan, you were so adorable ten years agoooooooo~! Oh ho~!"

Ah. Fon got it now. Someone had hit him with the Ten-years-later bazooka and sent him into the future.

The men with the guns took a few steps back at the sudden appearances of the Varia officers. One quickly mouthed something and several more men rushed into the lot. These were fresh men, in their prime condition. Fon supposed they might prove a problem.

"Muu."

And then ten-years-into-the-future Viper glided down, floating via her Phantasma-halo. Apparently ten years into the future the Arcobaleno had regained their true forms. She looked good, Fon had to admit with surprise. Really good. Her plum-colored hair was longer now, curling tantalizingly over her shoulders and over her chest. She was dressed in the black-and-cream Varia jacket that fell past her mid-thighs, her hood pulled low over her face, hiding her enigmatic eyes from view. Slender legs were sheathed in black tights, knee-length leather boots shining slightly. Her face was pale as ever, the purple marks on her cheeks still present.

"I'll kill all of them," Viper droned as she hovered in midair. "Get out of the way."

Lussuria adopted a terrified expression as he wailed, "But Viper-chaaaan, you can't fight~!"

"And why the hell not?" Viper's voice demanded dangerously. She sounded kind of odd, Fon thought. Almost like she was a stubborn child being scolded by her parents.

"Because Mammon's preggerrrrrs~!" Bel sang as he danced around and landed with surprising style onto the floor. "Why doesn't Mammon-chan go sit somewhere else while the Prince and the gay peacock take care of business, shishishi?!"

"Yes!" Lussuria agreed as the two Varia officers completely ignored the armed men who were watching, perplexed. "Maa, Mammon-chan should spend some quality time with her Fon-chan while Bel-chan and I take care of this mess! Oh my, I said –chan three times~!"

A vein throbbed in Viper's cheek and she looked more than ready to rebel. But to Fon's surprise she sighed with resignation and picked Fon off from the floor, floating towards a ledge on a building. She sat down and sighed again, pouting cutely.

Suddenly Fon realized that he was currently being cuddled against Viper's chest, her arms wrapped securely around his infant form. It was a surprisingly nice feeling, being smothered by someone who always tried to kill him on a daily basis back in the present. Fon wondered if he slightly masochistic tendencies. That, sadly, was probably the case.

"You know, this is all your fault," Viper muttered dejectedly as she placed Fon on her lap so that he was facing her. She tilted her head to one side and began pulling at his cheeks, puffing her own petulantly.

"Really?" Fon said, unable to articulate clearly due to the way Viper seemed to be intent on pulling his cheeks apart. Viper gritted her teeth and tweaked his nose, seeming slightly appeased when Fon flailed his arms in surprise.

"Yes," she confirmed darkly as she smooshed his cheeks together.

"What did I do?" Fon wondered aloud as his face was stretched like gum. Viper hissed violently and glared. Fon could literally feel the killing intent oozing from her.

"Haven't you wondered why I'm not down there fighting?" she growled, her voice dangerously low. Fon thought for a moment.

"You're not getting paid?" he asked (quite reasonably, in his opinion). But Viper gave a sharp shriek of frustration.

"Noodle-chan has a point there~!" Bel's voice sang out from the big cloud of dust below, and it was followed immediately by screams of pain, Lussuria's hollers, and the sounds of several pieces of metal ricocheting off the walls.

Viper's lips twitched. "_No._"

"Oh." Fon thought some more. "Because you want to kill me?"

"Now I'm thinking about it," Viper warned as she pulled his cheeks to the farthest extent that they could stretch. Then she wrapped her arms around him and tightened her embrace. An average man might say that this was a hug, an act of affection, but Fon knew better. She was trying to choke him to death.

"Oh dear, I believe I'm going to suffocate," Fon began, but he was quickly interrupted by Lussuria's "Oh Mammon-chan, you can't kill your hubby! That would be just rude~! Not to mention what might happen to the baby, oho~!"

"Muu, I don't care," Viper snapped peevishly, although she did loosen her grip on Fon's neck. "I hate you. It's all your fault."

"What did I do? How is it my fault?" Fon asked once more, peering up at her with wide, innocent, doe-like eyes. Viper gnashed her teeth together and forced out a strained, "If I say it's your fault, it _is." _

"If you say so," Fon said doubtfully as Viper huffed.

"I do."

The illusionist exhaled, irate, and rested her pointy chin on top of Fon's head, almost curling around him as she watched Bel and Lussuria conduct a rather creative manslaughter, which involved fake flowers, a chainsaw, sparklers, and Lussuria's precious sunglasses. Fon turned his head into her arm, feeling slightly queasy, and opted to ignore the loud screams, Bel's psychotic giggling, and Lussuria's many "Oho~! Fierce! Muaaaah~!"'s.

"I'm pregnant," Viper said out of the blue, leaving Fon utterly bewildered. He withdrew his face from the crook of her arm to gaze at her, baffled.

"What?" Fon asked, not quite sure that he had heard right.

"I'm pregnant," Viper repeated, sounding slightly annoyed. Fon shifted to peer up at her face, wondering if she was being honest. She looked dead serious.

"…"

Fon reached his hand to feel for her forehead, but Viper slapped it away.

"What?" she snapped as she glowered down at him. Fon frowned slightly.

"Are you sick?"

The vein in her cheek throbbed again. "No."

"Oh." Fon settled back down onto her lap, trying not to feel slightly disappointed. He'd been hoping that she was delusional. He shot a quick glance at her hand and found, glittering on her ring finger, a band of gold set with a small diamond. That explained it. Sort of.

_Such a shame. She's taken after all._

After a good few moments of incredibly awkward silence he dared to speak up again. "The…father…he is a good man, I hope?"

He tried not to let slip that he also, for some unfathomable reason, hoped this 'father' went and got himself killed in the most painful way possible.

Viper gave him a strange look, and he could see in the shadow of her hood that her eyebrows were twisting. "I thought he was, but now I'm not so sure," she said, that same weird look on her face. Fon tried not to laugh with relief.

"You know," she continued as she pulled once more at Fon's cheek, smirking slightly at the pucker that formed between his eyebrows. "It's his fault I'm not allowed to fight."

Fon blinked. "Ah," he said, trying not to show how confused he was. After a few seconds he dared to add," But I thought you said it was my fault?"

Viper gave a howl of frustration and turned her head away, deliberately ignoring him.

"….Is your husband Belphegor?" Fon inquired, deciding that figuring out who his rival—er, Viper's husband was would probably be the best course of action. He peered at the big storm of a battle that was taking place in the lot. He could catch glimpses of the prince's golden hair whipping around as the blonde twirled around, cackling madly.

"…Skull?" Fon tried again. Viper was still resolutely glowering in the opposite direction, her arms crossed over her chest. "Not Reborn, I hope…No, surely not, he has Luce…Verde?" Still Viper refused to look at him. "Definitely not Collonello….Perhaps someone else from the Varia? Lussuria…I doubt that. Superbi Squalo?...No, bu huai shi zhen de ba… Xanxus? Levi-a-than? Surely not…Perhaps….Fran..?"

"Oho~!"

Fon turned to see Lussuria with his face stuck practically right next to his, and barely resisted the urge to jump back. "L-Lussuria-san," the baby martial artist said, twitching slightly as he leaned away from the Mohawk-man's piercing gaze. Unfortunately, on Viper's other side Bel had appeared, grinning maniacally as Fon caught sight of him. Fon looked quickly at the lot—it was now littered with a bunch of poor, knocked out people, knives, and ripped apart guns. "Belphegor-san."

"Shishishi, is Noodle-chan jealous~?" the prince sing-songed with delight and he dangled a razor-sharp knife in front of the baby's face, the blade glinting in an almost hypnotizing manner.

"Are you Viper's husband?" Fon asked calmly, if a bit nosily.

"Ushishi. So what if I am?" the prince snickered. But he was suddenly bowled over as a pale hand slapped him across the face. Fon and Lussuria both looked at Viper, whose hand was raised. "Shishi, Mammon-chan's so defensive~!"

"Muu. Don't tell lies, Bel," Viper snapped as her arms seemed to tighten around Fon, leaving Fon not at all displeased.

"Shishi, the prince was just messing with baby Noodle-chan," Bel giggled happily as he picked himself back up. "After all, Noodle-chan's so stupid~!"

Fon felt slightly affronted. While he was no Verde, his intelligence was certainly not shabby. "I beg your pardon?"

"You don't know who Mammon-chan's lover boy is," Bel declared gleefully, and Fon had to admit that was true. Viper's scowl seemed to intensify as she glared daggers at Bel, who didn't seem the least bit perturbed.

"Lussuria, take Bel and leave," the illusionist hissed, and Lussuria quickly complied, practically hoisting the Prince off his royal behind when the blonde began to protest.

"Put the Prince down, you stupid gaylord!"

"Maa, Bel-chan, let's leave the lovebirds alone~!"

"But the Prince wants entertainment!"

"Shush now, Bel sweetie, you can watch Xanxus try to kill Squ-squ when we get home, okaaaay?~ Or you can stab Fran~!"

"…Fine. The Prince agrees. C'mere to the prince, Frogggyyyyy~!"

And with that the two Varia officers were gone, leaving Fon alone with a still glaring Viper. Fon turned to look at Viper, who was still scowling down at him.

"..Viper..?" Fon ventured timidly, and the illusionist in question sighed. She pulled his cheeks and muttered something that sounded like 'too goddamned cute'.

"It's your fault," Viper said again, her gaze softening as she watched him. "And if the kid's a boy, Bel wants me to name him 'Noodle-chan Jr.' That's all you need to know. Now _figure it out." _

"Hmm?" Fon stared at her as Viper patted his cheeks. Then it hit him like a ten-ton truck. "Oh. Oh!"

"_After all, Noodle-chan's so stupid~!"_

Noodle-chan was him.

That meant that was his kid—!

"Muu. _Now_ he figures it out," Viper muttered crossly, but Fon could see the small smile on her lips. "Stupid Fon."

Then there was a puff of smoke and Fon found himself back in the present, lying down in a field of grass and staring at the sky.

He blinked and sighed, smiling to himself as he traced the outlines of the fuzzy clouds that drifted lazily across the sky. What a surprising and oddly gratifying revelation. Ten years into the future the Arcobaleno had regained their true forms…and ten years into the future he and Viper were married…

"Muu. You look brainless zoning out like that. Give me money."

And speak of the devil. Viper—baby Viper, that is—floated down from above him and landed gently onto the grass besides him.

Many thoughts came to his mind, the most prominent one being '_Ten years into the future we're married, did you know that? And we're going to have a child_.' But he had a feeling saying so would earn him a nasty illusion to the face, so he opted instead to ask," Would you like to join me for some oolong tea?"

After all, he had to begin somewhere.

**/o\/0\/o\**

**A/N: **Ahaha, the "Noodle-chan" thing from my other story _Gender Confusion _just stuck with me, I guess. I don't know where I got this idea. I guess I was just bored or something. :D And I love Bel and Lussuria to death, I just had to give them a bigger role than what they got in _Gender Confusion_! Plus, Viper's just so cute...and Fon so clueless...

...

Anyway, hope you liked it~!


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